Unexpected Visitors

Title: Unexpected Visitors (Unexpected, Unprecedented, and Unexplainable Visitors)

Author: Jojenga

Anime/Manga: Naruto

Information: Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Akatsuki

Current Status: In-Progress

Spoilers?: A little

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5356442/1/Unexpected_Visitors

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Chapter 1: A Sharp Conversation

If anything, this morning couldn’t have began more oddly…at the moment, Hidan and Kakuzu are interrogating me about crap that I ‘don’t know’, and to top it all off, its usually only fan girls that this kind of thing happens to! I mean, I’ve read fan fictions about this sort of thing, but that’s it!.

And this morning? Well, it went something like this…

The alarm came on at 6:00 AM as usual. Full volume, full effect. As soon as the alarm went off, the effect was like having thirty fire trucks with their sirens on parked right outside your bedroom window. I reached over to press the button to turn it off, but instead, I touch something much…sharper. I retracted my hand quickly in pain. “Ow…what the…?” I asked myself. I looked over towards the alarm clock, and saw something that almost shocked me out of my grogginess.

A kunai…a flippin’ KUNAI…

I turned around to see who held it, and it was none other than Itachi Uchiha…it just HAD to be the guy who I thought was a badass. “Explain,” he said in his monotone voice. “where are we?” I panicked for a few seconds, and flipped. “Wh…Who the hell are you guys?” The calm and cool Itachi remained unchanged. “That is none of your concern. Now answer the question.” I gulped down the rise of air that was pushing its way through my throat and replied. “D-dude, I dunno! I just woke up and I see a bunch of thieves in my house!” Then, someone shouted rather loudly. “What?! How could you accuse us of being common fucking thieves?!” I looked at him and identified him as Hidan. Good god, my favorite Akatsuki member is talki- wait a sec…no time for fanboyism. “Well, you are threatening me with a knife and I don’t know you people…” If fan fictions were actually right, then I wouldn’t be able to keep this charade for long.

“He’s right Hidan.” Itachi said, surprisingly agreeing with me.. “A normal civilian under this same situation would think in such a way…now as I was saying, answer the question. Last chance.” I gulped, then quickly thought of something. “Dead men tell no tales…you’ve heard that before, right?” Itachi simply scoffed and replied. “There are many others who could answer us. You were simply the resident of the first house we saw. Its not like we would need specifically you.” I gulped once again, and replied. “Ok, fine…show me proof that you’re the Akatsuki, and I’ll tell you what you want to know.” I just wanted to see something awesome in action…and sure enough…

“Ok, here, is this good enou-AHH DAMMIT-..enough proof for you?”

Hidan had just stabbed himself…in the heart…and he was still standing. It was then that I fainted from shock and amazement.

Hours later, I awoke, tied to a chair. “Oh how cliché is this…”

“Cliché, yet effective.” I turned my head to see my 4th favorite member of the Akatsuki. Kakuzu. “Now, talk…where are we, did you summon us here, how do we get out, and furthermore,” He reached behind him and pulled out a book…my latest issue of Shonen Jump, which just so had Naruto on the cover. I began to sweat, and said. “Look, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you…”

“Try me.” He replied.

This would be a long night.

Chapter 2: Interrogations and Laughter

“Okay,” Kakuzu began. “Where are we?”

“We’re in America.” Kakuzu got a confused look on his face, then moved on. “Did you bring us here, and do you know how to get us back to where we were?”

“No, and no.” I replied, giving off a glare towards Kakuzu. He snarled at me, then asked his next question, which would take a LONG time to explain. “Explain the book.”

I breathed in and began the explanation. “See, you’re…not supposed to be real in this world. Back there I lied. Tremendously. In truth, I already know you…I know everything about all of you. Hell, half of the people on this planet know everything about you!” Kakuzu then lobbed the book at me, which bruised my arm, and he shouted. “Oh really now? Then tell us about ourselves…” I smirked and said. “Gladly.”

“Itachi Uchiha is damn near emotionless,” I then pointed to Kakuzu. “you’re a money whore,” Hidan laughed at that statement. “you, Hidan, are a religious nut, who gains immortality or loses it depending on if you kill people or not, Sasori, well…he’s dead, Deidara uses fire-styled techniques to cause explosions in his clay, which he molds with his mouths, I don’t know much about Pein or Konan, probably because I’ve never really paid any attention to them, Kisame…well, he’s a fish, nuff said,” Both Hidan and Kakuzu laughed at this. “soo…yeah, that’s everyone I can name off th- Tobi is an overly hyperactive retard who is a living miracle for still being alive for so long.”

At that, Hidan and Kakuzu just exploded with laughter. I hoped that Madara wasn’t vengeful, but that didn’t matter now. “That…is too fucking true!” Hidan shouted with laughter as he nearly fell out of his chair. I was surprised to see the Akatsuki of all people laughing at something I say and not mocking it. Kakuzu stopped laughing and said. “Enough…he knows too much.” Once again, I gulped in fear, and tried to talk my way out of this one. “Uh…what if I told you all how you would be defeated, so that you could be ready?” They snapped out of their serious state, and was covered by a shroud of surprise (1)

“But…that info is damn-near useless here…in our dimension.” Hidan snapped out of his stupor and asked. Wait…so if what you’re saying is true…then, do I actually die?” I laughed and replied. “No, they just cut your head off and buried your body…I dunno where Kakuzu was when it happened.” At that moment, I could see a twinge of anger directed towards Kakuzu. “Uh…also, while trying to take the Kyuubi himself, Pein gets nearly raped by Naruto going 8-tailed, and that’s about all I can tell you, because that’s all I remember.” And that all I would try to remember. I wouldn’t want to give away the juicy tidbit about Naruto’s father just yet.

“Look, that’s all I know, so can you let me go?” I asked, shaking around in the ropes. In a flash, Kakuzu had cut the rope open with a kunai. I got up and stretched, and walked in the living room and began to talk to the four that were here. Which were Hidan, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Deidara…god, why’d it have to be all my favorites? “Okay…through some odd turn of events, you’ve all ended up at my house…” Please let this work… “However, just because you are mass murderers does NOT mean I’m going to let you do what you want. You may have me outnumbered, but this is my world…and I’m the only one who’ll believe you four are real.”

“Why would we take orders from a snot-nosed bratty kid?” Kakuzu asked. “Simple.” I said, as I reached into my pocket to grab a can of mace. “See this?” I held it up to Kakuzu, and he looked at it. “Yeah, so what?” I had my finger on the nozzle, and turned my head towards Itachi. “No worries, this’ll only hurt a lot…for as short amount of time.” And then, I sprayed. For Kakuzu, time seemed to move in slow motion. He could’ve dodged the spray, but he didn’t. He thought that he could take something as weak as a little spray.

Oh how wrong he was.

The second that the spray collided with his eyes, he screamed louder then Sakura. He then grabbed a rag from my table and began scrubbing at his eyes. “What the hell was that you bastard?!” I put the can of mace back in the closet, and replied. “That, Kakuzu, was mace. It is used to stun an opponent long enough for you to subdue them…or kill, in your case. I did that to give you an example of our weapons.” it was then that I looked around for something, and found the TV remote. I placed a DVD in the DVD player, and sure enough, the opening for Future Weapons came on. “Watch this…you’ll get an example of what this world is capable of…oh, and are you guys hungry? Because I can only cook rice and ramen(2).

“Yeah, some of both would hit the spot right now.” Said Hidan, who was already watching the part about a heated laser rifle. I fired up the stove, and let it heat up with the water. Oh man, I’m cooking for 4 dangerous criminals… I thought to myself…

I then remembered, that my friend was coming over today…

Shit.

Chapter 3: Arrivals and More Characters?

As soon as the rice was fixed up, I put the rice into 4 bowls, and served it to them. I then had to say something to all of them. “Um…my friend is coming over in a little while.” they looked at me, then turned their heads back to the TV. “Uh…she’s a real fanatic of you guys.” Once again, no response. “Look, if she sees any of you, she’ll be even more of an annoyance than Tobi, who she adores.” At that, everyone except for Itachi went wide-eyed and looked for a hiding place. “Ahem…did I mention that she’s a rabid Itachi fan-girl?” He scoffed and simply said. “I see no reason that she would be a threat.”

“Alright, fine…but when she’s trying to molest you, don’t come to me.” I said calmly. Itachi shrugged and took a bite of a spoonful of rice.

“Gotta hide…” Deidara said to himself as he searched the house for a hiding place. He found a cupboard that was empty. Just big enough for him to fit in. “Jackpot.”

Hidan searched the house for a hiding place that would accommodate his size. He looked upstairs for a spot, when he found an empty abandoned room. “Heh, perfect.”

Kakuzu searched the lower levels of the house, and found a nice cozy spot near the incinerator. “Found it.”

“Hmm…” pondered Itachi as he kept watching the program. “A weapon that uses some sort of fire style jutsu to heat up objects…”

I looked around to make sure that everyone was well hidden, looked over to the couch, and sighed. “Itachi, seriously. I can’t let Talon see you. You have to hide, now.” Itachi looked at me with intensity, and asked. “You really think that you have any authority to tell me what to do?” I gulped, and began to sweat, and then, my fears worsened.

The doorbell rang

“Oh for god’s sake, Itachi, get off the couch!” I whisper-yelled at him. He finally conceived and got off of the couch and disappeared in a puff of smoke. I let out a sigh of relief and opened the door. “Hi Talon.” I said, relieved. “Heya Steve.” she replied. She walked in, and laid her book bag down on the couch, and sat down on said couch. “So…how was your day?” she asked, trying to make small talk. “Crazy, unbelievable, the usual.”

I noticed that Talon was shivering, so I asked. “Cold out there?” She responded by nodding. I, being the gentlemen that I am, turned up the heat as much as I could.

Big mistake.

“Huh? What the…” Kakuzu said as he noticed the incinerator getting hotter. Soon enough, his strings caught fire, and he was running around like a chicken with his head cut off, and ran up the stairs to the kitchen, screaming that he was on fire. Overhearing this, Deidara, opened the cupboard in shock, only to have gravity take effect and pull him towards the ground, on top of Kakuzu.

Hearing the loud crashes and bangs, Hidan came down the stairs demanding to know what all the noise was, until all three Akatsuki members looked at the doorway of the kitchen. I was standing in the doorway, and so was Talon. “Uh…” I had to think something up fast. “I’m being robbed by cosplayers?!” Talon just patted me on the back and said. “Nice try Steve…you think you’re the only one with characters in your house?” I went wide-eyed, as did the others, and said. “Wait…what?!”

“Yup…though you’re lucky to of gotten the Akatsuki!” She said, while staring at the heap of Akatsuki members. “Hey, what gives?” asked Deidara. “I thought that you said that she’d be more annoying than Tobi when she saw us.” I then started sweating when Talon looked at me and asked. “…You said what now?” while crossing her arms. I did an anime sweatdrop and asked. “You said that you had characters at your house as well?”

Talon nodded and spoke. “To be exact, Hinata, Hanabi, Kiba, and Chouji for some reason.” I smirked and thought to myself, “Oh god, what are they going to do to her house…”

“Um…K…Kiba-san…Talon-chan said…not to eat her food” Hinata mustered up. Kiba replied. “Hey, as long as we don’t eat too much, she won’t notice, right?”

“Oh…well, did they say how they got here?” She nodded, and said that they all said that a strange light appeared and sucked them in. “Hey, un…that’s how we got here!” Deidara said, after splashing Kakuzu with water. “Hmm…peculiar…” I got in my thinking pose, when I realized that Talon was still here. “Well, no time to think about it now. We have a guest.”

We spent the rest of the day talking, until Talon had to leave…but when she opened the door to go…

“Well…if it isn’t my would-of-been vessel, Itachi…”

Chapter 4: The Sound Ninjas of Music

Orochimaru…

“What the hell is your scaly ass doing here?” Hidan snapped at him. “Oh, don’t be so crude. I’m just wondering where ‘here’ happens to be.” It was at that moment that Talon ran to the bathroom to puke…she had hated Orochimaru since the day she first saw him, and coming face to face with him would be enough to make anyone’s stomach turn.

“Why, I am doing nothing wrong, Hidan. Why ever would you be angry at me?” Hidan began growling, but Orochimaru put his hands up. “Don’t get me wrong…I’m not here to fight…but my apprentice, on the other hand, is a different story.” at that moment, he walked in…

Sasuke walked in, the hatred clear in his eyes, with his hand on his sword sheathe. I gulped and said. “Look, if you two are gonna fight, can you do it outsi-” I couldn’t finish, for the sword was against my throat. “Little brother…how much of a criminal you’ve become…threatening innocent bystanders…” Sasuke growled with rage and shouted at his brother. “Don’t talk to me about being a criminal, you bastard…what about all the innocent Uchihas you claimed?”

“Look at yourself little brother…you’re threatening a 14 year old boy who has nothing to do with your being here…you’re blinded by hatred Sasuke…I said to let your hatred flow through you, not swirl uncontrollably.” Sasuke, now enraged by what he assumed to be cockiness, charged at his brother. Itachi simply said… “Ameratsu.” and summoned black fire to blast Sasuke to the back of the room, and leave him barely alive. “Grr…Itachi, how dare you harm my vessel? Grrr…” He then grabbed Sasuke, and left using that sink-through-the-floor move(1).

As soon as it was over, Itachi sat back down on the couch and lied down, covering his eyes with a pillow. I sighed a sigh of relief and went over to the carpeted floor to lie down and relax. “Itachi,” I began. “are you okay?”

“Eyes hurt…must rest…” I laid a blanket over Itachi, and put his rice on the table next to him. “I’ll be upstairs…” then, I had an idea…”Lets introduce them to this world’s music…”

As soon as I got up there, I figured that I would have a tough time figuring out what to play loudly…then it hit me. “Mystic Prophecy(2)…”

“Man…Itachi must not of been in the mood to deal with his broth-” and as if a Jet engine came roaring over the house, lyrics played very heavily. “Wake up death, you come like a storm in the niiight! The nightmares of demons…Welcome death!! And show me the final attack!!! The nightmares of demons are back!” Hidan recoiled in surprise, and fell over. “Whoa, what the fuck?” As I played the music, I ran downstairs and shouted. “This is what some music is like in our world! It’s called power metal!” Surprisingly, he shouted back. “Turn that shit up!” I laughed so hard that I almost fell down the stairs, regained my posture, and shouted back. “Sorry, that’s as loud as it can get!”

“Ahem?” We then turned to see Itachi poking his head out from the covers. “Oh right…you’re resting…maybe another time.” I promptly went upstairs and turned the music down.

Talon was just leaving the bathroom, when she saw Itachi in covers, a flaming scorch-mark in the wall, and Hidan head-banging to what is the rest of the song. She blinked twice, then asked. “Uh…what happened?!”

Chapter 5: Romance, Blackmail, and Seductive Poses!

Hidan came back, and replied. “Short version, Sasuke showed up.” “Ah.” Talon replied while giving a nod of understanding. Deidara then grabbed a towel and said. “I feel filthy…I’m going to the wash-area…”

As soon as I returned downstairs, the doorbell rang again. Hidan looked for his scythe, then I put my hand up to halt him. “No worries…I was having a small party today, and this is another friend…I hope.” I took a deep breath, and opened the door. “Steve! How’re ya doin?” A young 12-year old girl with a purple t-shirt said. “Hi Sayame…not much really, just the Akatsuki is eating me out of house and home.” I then pointed to the refrigerator, which Hidan was currently digging through to find food. “Hey, you said there was ramen! Where the fuck is it?” Sayame went wide eyed as I shouted. “Its on the stove, I never put it in the fridge!” She grabbed my shoulders, and shook me around, saying. “The Akatsuki is in your house!!!” Then…something happened…

Romance…

“Hey, what’s all the noise, un?” Deidara said as he walked out of the bathroom with the towel wrapped around his waist, and Sayame just stared and fainted. Deidara looked very confused, then I snapped him out of it by saying. “Umm…you’re dripping wet, wearing noting but a bath-towel, and she’s a huge fan of you…and I mean huge.” Deidara smirked and started to formulate a plan, when something hit him. “Hey…my cloak is still filthy…what am I gonna wear?” He asked. I looked around for some old shirt of mine, when I caught on to his little plan while seeing him staring at the unconscious Sayame. “Well, there is this.” I then gave him a form-fitting tank-top that as black, and blue at the sides. “Okay, thanks.” I also gave him a pair of matching shorts, and he went to the bathroom to change.

“Mmmnnn…huh?” Sayame said as she slowly opened her eyes. She was lying down on the couch opposite to Itachi. She looked over and saw Itachi lying on the couch. “So…I wasn’t dreaming?” she said to herself. She then blushed as she realized that she really saw a half-naked Deidara.

“Good fucking Jashin, this is delicious!” Hidan shouted as he slurped up the ramen at the table. “I added hot spice to it…is it really that good?” I asked, unaware that my spice was as good as it was just given credit for. “Hell yeah its good!” I looked over to the couch to see that Sayame was already awake, so I grabbed another bowl and walked over to her. “Morning, little miss fan girl.” I said with a smirk. She took the bowl of soup and slurped it up, waking up instantly. “Oh wow.” She said, instantly forgetting about me calling her a fan girl. “This is…marvelous!” I smirked slightly and pumped a fist in the air. “Haha! My spiced ramen is a success!”

“Hmm…” Deidara thought to himself as he looked in the mirror. He knew that these clothes weren’t ordinary. They were too…comfortable. They felt rather silky, then he realized that smirk that I had when giving him the clothes. “Oh Steve, you clever dog, you…” He said with a smirk. He then tried many seductive poses in the mirror, when something happened.

“Deidara, what the fuck?!” Hidan shouted when he barged into the bathroom. His jaw was wide open while he was pointing at Deidara, then, he exploded with laughter. “Get out, un!” Deidara shouted as he pushed Hidan out the door and locked it. “Oh, you’re gonna have to do some serious sucking up to keep this a secret, Deidara!” Hidan said from behind the door. Deidara sweat dropped and replied hesitantly. “Like what kind, un?”

“Hidan, I was busy looking for money in this dump…what is it?” Kakuzu said, irritated. Hidan said, with a grin. “Well Deidara? What’d you wanna tell Kakuzu?” Deidara looked more irritated than Kakuzu, then reluctantly said it. “I’m an egotistical bastard, un…” Kakuzu stared at him for a few seconds, then replied. “Deidara, we all know that…now stop bothering me.” at that, Hidan just cracked up, and was on the floor laughing heartily. Deidara then heard his name being called, and left.

“Yeah?” Deidara answered as he came down the stairs. I was holding a butcher knife and was cutting up a turkey that was in the refrigerator that had been re-heated. He then took the butcher knife out of my hands and placed it on the table. “No. We’re not having re-cooked turkey…I’ll cook.” I thought about it, and replied. “But, we don’t have any ingredients…unless…” I looked over to Sayame, who was playing Naruto: Ultimate Ninja 2. “Sayame, I’m going to the store for food.” She hummed something that sounded like an ‘okay’ back at me, and I smirked as I waited for her to take a drink of her coca-cola to say this.

“Oh, and I’m taking the truck.” She did a spit-take, and asked rather harshly. “What truck?!” I replied as I held up a pair of keys. “Your neighbor’s truck, who else owns a truck in this neighborhood?”